


I wish I had an angel

by thesweetpianowritingdownmylife



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, hunteri heroici
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-12-27
Updated: 2012-12-27
Packaged: 2017-11-22 15:13:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/611219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesweetpianowritingdownmylife/pseuds/thesweetpianowritingdownmylife
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Hunteri Heroici, Castiel took off on his own, but he occasionally visits the Winchesters.<br/>They become more and more worried with each visit, sensing something is really wrong with their friend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Cas had been gone for a week.

Sam knew better than to say anything about it, but he could sense that Dean was worried. He slept even less than usual, and drank a lot more –which, by Dean's standards, is quite a lot of drinking. Sam knew that, after their post-Purgatory separation, his brother was wary of losing sight of Castiel, and he was actually quite proud of the way Dean hadn’t protested when their friend told them he preferred to be on his own for a while.

That doesn't mean Dean's paranoia had been diminished in the least. While he drove away from the old people's home, his hands had been gripping the wheel so hard his knuckles had turned white, as if he were going away against his better judgment. Ever since, he checked his phone every half an hour, he was jumpy and looked around wherever they were, as if he expected Cas to jump from a bush and say "Hello, Dean" at any moment.

They were looking for the next hunt, but everything appeared unnaturally quiet. In the end, they called Garth, who sent them to a supposedly haunted house a couple of states over. It took them a day and a half to get there, a few hours to dig out who might be haunting the place and a couple of hours to dig out the actual body for the salt-and-burning. Except the ghost was not so happy about it, and caught Dean, who had been dozing against a headstone when it wasn't his turn with the shovel, and sent him flying across half the cemetery.

Sam broke the coffin's lid, pouring salt and kerosene as fast as he could and lighting it all up. The specter disappeared before causing any more harm, but the pained groan from his brother made his chest tighten. He ran to him and found him crouched behind a headstone, gripping his sides and having obvious trouble breathing.

"Dean, what the hell were you thinking?" he asked him while he helped him back to the car "You were supposed to be watching our backs!" he paled a little when his brother was unable to answer with a smart-ass comment. "Do you need to go to the hospital?" Dean shook his head.

The ride back was tense and silent. Sam helped him again from the car to their room, trying to argue that he should see a doctor, but Dean waved him off and only squeaked a little when he was dropped to the nearest bed. He didn’t even bother to try and shake off his jeans and went out cold after swallowing a couple of painkillers with a swig of beer.

Sam looked at him pitifully and tried to do what his brother was too stubborn to: pray. It took Castiel no time to show up in the motel's room, a look of unease on his face.

"Sam? Is everything alright?" he whispered, but he was staring at the snoring hunter.

"Yeah, well, not exactly, we're not in immediate danger, but I think Dean was hit on the ribs and I don't know how bad it is." He whispered back.

The angel went to stand next to Dean's bed, placed a hand on his chest and frowned a little. Then, a light came out of his hand and Dean's posture relaxed visibly, although he didn’t wake up. Castiel retreated reluctantly, sitting next to Sam, his eyes never leaving Dean. Sam saw the look on his friend's eyes and was completely at loss as to what he should say.

"Your old friend, Jones, will be alright. He has little idea of what is happening around him, but he is happy." He turned to look at Sam with a guilty look in his face. "It's the best I could do."

"It's awesome," he reassured him "thanks a lot, Cas. For Dean, too."

The corners of Castiel's mouth twitched up a bit, and Sam counted it as a smile. The angel was unnaturally calm, but he didn’t seem as content as he had been lately.

"When are you coming back?" asked Sam suddenly, painfully aware that the angel would probably take off before dawn. Castiel stared at him. "I mean, I know you have to sort yourself out and stuff, and I respect it, and Dean does, too, but…" he glanced at his brother "He's not doing okay without you. He's worried you are going to disappear on him again or… get yourself killed. He hasn't been sleeping, that's why that ghost got him today, because he was exhausted." Castiel clenched his hands on his trench coat "You know he has… we have lost enough people already."

"If you believe it is necessary, I will stay with you." The angel declared, his voice serious and guilty.

_'Yes, thank you, that would be amazing'_ Sam thought, but he said instead "There's no need. Go do whatever you have to do; I know it's important for you. Just, you know, you could promise that you won't rush headfirst into any life-threatening situations. And you could drop by or at least sent a text from time to time, just so we know you're okay."

Castiel smirked awkwardly. "I can do that."

 

+++

 

The next day Dean woke up after a few hours with only a faint echo in his chest of the previous night's pain, and made a mental note to tease Sammy for going all mother hen on him when it was nothing. Standing up, he noticed a package on the table. He unwrapped it and found a delicious-looking apple pie, ready to be eaten. He grinned like a child as he grabbed a spoon, only then noticing the note besides the box. He recognized Castiel's handwriting and stopped up short.

 

_Hello, Dean._

_My apologies. I have been informed that my prolonged absence has caused you distress. Please, accept this food offering as a token of my good will. I will not let so much time pass again before informing you of my well-being._

_My best regards,_

_Castiel_

 

 

Sam couldn’t understand why his brother was roaring with relief-filled laughter when he woke up. Dean kept the note and refused to explain.


	2. The drugs don't work

The angel materialized in the middle of the room and slumped to the floor immediately. And he started laughing far too loudly for a sober man. The Winchesters, who had been researching for a case, sat at the motel table looking at him, frozen for a moment. Then, Sam went to him quickly to help him sit up, and Castiel wouldn't stop laughing.

He started to run his hands through Sam's hair. "You have very beautiful hair, Sam Winchester" the easy smile wouldn't leave his face, even as he talked and stared at Sam's head with awe. "Perhaps I should allow my vessel's hair to grow too, and we could 'braid it' together…" he said so making quotation marks.

"Cas, what's wrong?" Sam tried to sound serious, but there was an amused smile tugging at his lips, which faded the second he looked at his brother for assistance.

Dean was completely pale. He hadn't moved an inch from his chair. His jaw was tense and his eyes wide, unblinking.

Which, for some reason, Cas thought was hilarious. "You look like you've seen a ghost" and exploded in giggles.

"Cas. What did you take." Dean's voice was strained.

"I don't really know" the angel shrugged his shoulders.

"What?" Sam was very confused.

"I came across this man. Homeless, because apparently mankind is not kind at all, huh, who would have thought?" he grimaced at his own bad joke "He said that he did not mind having no roof, as long as he had his fix." He rummaged his trench coat's pockets and produced an orange pills bottle. "He told me that theeseee littleee feellooows" he sing-sang, imitating the man "can make aaall the troubles go away. He accompanied me to the nearest drugstore when I promised him another badge."

Dean was staring at him with an expression Sam couldn't quite comprehend. "And?"

"I think the term 'loot' is applicable." He laughed again, this time without real humor behind it. "Turns out, he was right, they really make the pain disappear, but I had to consume more than one…"

"Holy– How much did you take, Cas?" Sam asked, worried.

"Hey, I'm an angel, baby" he put his arms around Sam's shoulders and his mouth too close to his ear for the hunter's comfort. "I can take a lot more than that."

"Ookay" Sam shrugged him off and scrambled back as fast as he could, his eyes going from the stoned angel to his brother, who was looking outside through the window, his hands clenched. "Maybe… maybe you need to sleep it off."

"Angels don't sleep" mumbled Dean and Cas at the same time.

"They are not supposed to get high either, so go lie on the bed." Sam chastised him.

The angel needed help getting there, and tried to grab Sam's ass when he pulled him up. Once he was safely snuggled under the covers, they both heard the slam of the motel's door: Dean had left without uttering another word. Sam had to pry his hair out of Castiel's fingers again, before making him promise he wouldn't get out of bed, and went after his brother.

Dean was going resolutely towards the impala, probably intending to hit the nearest bar and get monumentally drunk, but his brother caught up with him before he could get in the car.

"Dude, where do you think you're going?"

"Save it, Sasquatch"

"No way. Tell me what is wrong with Cas."

Dean sighed. "It's complicated."

"I get that. Go on."

"He's… going through some stuff. About what he did in Heaven when he was all powered-up." They both grimaced, knowing it had been bad. "He said he didn't want to go back there, because if he faced what he had done he might… he might kill himself."

Sam felt as if he had been punched in the stomach, having trouble breathing for a few seconds. He then turned frantically towards the motel, grabbing his brother's arm and tugging at him.

"C'mon, we shouldn't have left him alone."

They checked on Cas, who apparently was telling the bedside lamp an enthralling story about a queen bee, and left the room again to talk without being heard.

"That's not all I'm worried about, though." Dean continued.

Sam doesn't even dare to ask what else might there be, but he looks at him, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

"When I was in the future, Cas was there. But he wasn't… He was human, and he was addicted to a bunch of pills, and weed, and orgies, and God knows what else, and he looked… destroyed. That was not Cas. He was a poor copy of himself." He left out how he had been the one to give him the pills in the first place, but he supposed that didn't matter anymore, because his angel had been perfectly capable of finding drugs on his own.

"God, Dean…" Sam looked as if he were about to cry. "We shouldn't have left him behind."

"No, we shouldn't have." He replied harshly, helping himself to another slice of guilt to fester in his stomach.

"You should talk to him." Resolved Sam. "Tomorrow, when he's back on his senses. Make him swear that he won't wander off again."

"Guy's old enough to make his own decisions." Dean spat.

Sam glared at him. "You are not serious."

"No, I'm not." He sighed. To hell with his free will. He wouldn't allow his angel to waste himself.

They got back into the room. Castiel was silent, looking at his own fingers, as if he had never seen them before.

"Hey" greeted him Sam "I thought we said something about trying to sleep."

"I tried, but my fingers are glowing, and I cannot fall into slumber with all this light." Replied Castiel, worried.

Dean felt the same paralyzing terror that had gripped him before, but he steered himself and walked resolutely to the bed where his friend was laying.

"Move over, bitch." He demanded while he took off his jeans and jacket. Sam tactfully avoided any comment, slumping in his own bed and falling asleep in a few minutes. Dean joined the angel on the bed.

They lay side by side, staring at each other.

"I'm glad to see you don't have problems with personal space anymore." Reflected Castiel with a smug smile, still too close to the future Cas for Dean's comfort.

"Not with you" replied Dean a little more violently than he intended. Castiel's smile faded. Dean decided to grab his hand and intertwine his fingers with Castiel's. "There. This way I'll make sure you don't disappear on me again." The angel flinched, but gripped him tighter.

"I didn't mean to cause you any distress. I actually figured you'd be glad to be separated from me for a while, to have more time to be with Sam…"

He was cut off by Dean engulfing him in a bone-crushing hug.

"You. Are. Such. An. Idiot." Dean hissed. "I want you here. Sam sure as hell wants you here too. Do you want to be here with us?"

Castiel took a moment to answer. When he did so, his voice was desperate and pained. "Yes. More than anything."

"Then stop being an asshat and stay, goddammit."

They were silent for a few minutes, but Dean could sense his friend was still uneasy about the whole thing.

"But I did things…"

"So did we."

"Dean, you cannot possibly compare…"

"Probably, yes. So what if you fucked up a lot. We Winchesters tend to do that all the time." _And you are one of us_. He hoped he didn't have to say so, but if the angel needed to hear it…

Castiel clung to him tighter, understanding his unspoken words. "Thank you."

They returned to their previous positions in the narrow bed, staring at each other –like always.

"You still high?" Dean asked after a while, an amused smirk on his face.

"Everything is still a bit fuzzy around the edges." Castiel's brow was furrowed in concentration. "But I think it's wearing off."

"Good. If you do that again, I'll kick your face in."

"I'd like to see you try."

"You're definitely still stoned."

"Why shouldn't I do it again? It felt good. I didn't care anymore about Heaven, or my crimes, or you…" Dean's face fell abruptly and Castiel panicked "I meant, about all the pain I had inflicted you. There is no substance strong enough in existence that would prevent me from caring about you."

Dean smiled again, trying to hide that brief moment of hurt.  "You're such a chick when you're high." He sobered up. "I supposed in Heaven you never had this 'Don't do drugs' talks, but… this shit can fuck you up real bad, even if you are an angel. I thought you wanted to stop running. Pills are another way of running."

"Like you and alcohol?"

"Yes, you fucker, like me and alcohol." Dean conceded with a wince.

Castiel was pensive for a while. "Will you stop drinking if I promise not to do it again?"

Dean groaned. "C'mon, man! You can't do that to me!"

"Will you?" the angel insisted, almost angry.

The hunter sighed. "Okay. If that's what it takes… okay. But I need to sleep now. And tomorrow morning, I want you here in this bed, do you hear me?" he put on a cocky smile "It's bad taste to leave the bed the morning after without saying anything."

"Wouldn't that be applicable only if there had been intercourse involved?"

"I'm sleeping now, I can't hear you."

His eyes were closed tightly, but he looked somewhat amused.

"Dean?"

"What."              

"You can have one beer per day."

"Thank God!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I lost a bit of control over Castiel here, he was aiming for the Sastiel territory, but I stopped him in time.


End file.
